This is from the heart!

I am feeling so down at the moment, 2010 has been a miserable year for many of us living with mesothelioma. Losing people with the same disease makes you realise just how this horrid thing works. There haven't been many positive stories for a bit. So many wonderful people ripped away from families, I don't have to worry about that bit, excluding the children, my family don't give a toss. They are only interested in the money I got which has gone... they didn't know how much it was as it was none of their business. It wasn't as much as they thought it was but i was lucky to have it, I have been very fortunate, with my having mesothelioma I was able to pay for my treatment. Even my family, excluding the children, would have denied me that.

I still have to fight this disease, and sometimes I feel I am alone, without a family, ignoring all their nasty comments on top of it all. Without my friends I would be completely alone.

I only hope none of the family have to go through this horror, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Getting awful comments and snide remarks makes fighting this disease even harder.

I am returning to Germany next week to see Prof Vogl, I will be pleased to see him but wish it was under different circumstances. Rita has been a fantastic friend. I feel so uncomfortable taking help when I am so used to doing things by myself, I suppose having support is alien to me and when some offers their hand to help me up, I find it very hard to accept but know I have to for the children's sake.

I have accepted help from Rita and know there is nothing I can do to repay her. She has her own issues, she lost her lovely Peter to mesothelioma but still has it in her heart to help someone else.

So back to my family, excluding the children......I have replaced them with some of the most wonderful people in the world, my friends. I don't need you, any of you, I have my family around me, the only ones who matter, the important ones and the gaps have been filled with friends, better people than the bitter, spiteful people you are who consider me dead already....yes I will never forget that one.

Here's to 2011, I hope it is the year Theo decides that Germany is the place to be, it is good to have you home for Christmas Theo, but now you must return to your own place, meet some others who visit Germany and make sure they stay with you rather than letting them go back with their host.

Ramblings today..... this is how I feel and it is what my blog is about, it is for my children and for people affected by mesothelioma or any cancer .... it is a roller coaster, like all cancers.