Reflection

It has been a weekend of reflection. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing, I sat on my butt all day. Siobhan was in her room, Richard was in his room, Kieran was at his dads and I was down stairs in the living room. Such a shame we didn't make the most of the weekend. I felt so tired yesterday and feel like, in the words of Austin Powers, I have lost my mojo.

I don't know if it is having another lot of treatment or just me feeling a little down but now and again it hits me that I have mesothelioma, it is there, haunting me, following me like a stalker, the black looming figure who seems to disappear when I turned to see who is there. It is like it is waiting for its moment. Maybe it is the loss of so many lovely warriors that has made me feel like this. The question of "why am I still here" echo's in my head often as the questions, "why does this treatment work so well for me".

I think the children are feeling it too. We all seem to be stuck, they have their own horrors to deal with, Ideally I would like to see them get jobs and be more independent but they are hurting too. Are they afraid to move on? Are they afraid that if they are not here with me, I will leave? We don't talk about it. With being out of work for so long, finances are tough. It does worry me that we won't manage. I don't want to sell the house, this is their investment from the claim. Why should we have too? I want to know that they can look after themselves if anything should happen and at the moment, I don't have that confidence.

Kieran will be fine, he has his dad, he has Siobhan and Richard and the support of many friends.

I worry about Siobhan and Rich though as I don't think they know just how hard it is to be on their own, fending for themselves. They don't have the support of a family like many children do, no grandparents, no aunties or uncles, none of them want to know. I think that worries me the most, I have wonderful friends who are more like family and know that they will support them, but what if that support is gone as the friends have their own lives and gradually drift away?

I want to be here forever for them, I want to shelter them from everything and I think that is what I have done up to now. Maybe it was too much love, too much care, too much sheltering? With the issues and tragedies they have been through, it is very hard not too. They have no grandparents to look up too, the only one they did look up to is in another room, watching over them everyday. I think the Tommy Cooper book Siobhan found on my dads birthday was poignant, I would like to think it was from my dad to Siobhan. I hope she can start smiling again. I was pleased to see she had taken up her pencil again and has started to create pictures. I hope it continues and she finds the strength and confidence to see that she has a wonderful talent and shouldn't waste the degree she worked so hard for. Rich has got himself into a rut, if he does go for a job, it's either "no" or they don't reply. This will make someone very despondent and give up applying for jobs. He has to pick himself up and try again, he is a great personality, he is the one who usually keeps us smiling. All we ever want is the best for our children. I hope this year they can find the path they will take for their careers. As for Kieran, he is growing up so fast. He desperately wants to be independent and I have to try and let go. He is doing well with the bus trip to his dad's and is happy to get off the bus and walk to our house. he has such a proud look on his face as he walks to the door. How long will I be able to call him my little Bean?

Well, reflection over. I will get off my butt today and get on with the life I have which is a great one. I am so lucky to have my 3 wonderful children. Long may it last.